Notes from the (social) distance: Day 4

Why I’m writing this:

It’s strange, I’m an introvert and I always work from home, but this social distancing has been deeply unsettling. I feel trapped and cut off from the little social connections that make me feel part of a larger whole- commiserating with the coffee shop barista about the weather, smiling at people I pass in the street, chatting with parents at school pick-up. So I decided I would rebirth this old blog of mine and chronicle our life under social distance. I know that some people are struggling with much bigger and harder challenges, like keeping their families fed, or having to risk coronavirus exposure to keep working in essential services. Comparatively, my challenges are much smaller and less urgent. Still, I can only write what I know, and I hope that these entries will bring connection and comfort to those who are also feeling isolated. I imagine us like sailors stranded on different islands, sending messages to each other in bottles. I welcome your comments, and would love to make this a space where you and I can share and connect.

Day 4*:

*our schools closed on Friday, March 13^th, so I’m counting our days from then.

It’s a beautiful, sunny morning, and the birds are cavorting in the trees in front of my window. I’m feeling decently optimistic about today. We came up with a schedule that we’re trying out for the weekdays, which includes 2 academic blocks, a family walk, creative time, quiet time, and tv/video game time. This is as much for me as for the girls. After the weekend, I felt a quiet relief inside me this morning, knowing that we had a pre-arranged order for the day. I know that we will likely need to tweak the schedule, and who knows how long we will stick to it. But we’re going to be doing this for at least 3 weeks, so it’s worth a try. Matt and I will be sharing the childcare responsibilities; although he works full time, his job is making an accommodation for childcare, and my job was part-time to begin with.

The first day was full of emotion for me, mostly fear, anxiety, and worry, much of which I didn’t realize at the time. It was a vague, quiet anxiety that made me more irritable and stressed without knowing why. Then I came across a video on Saturday morning of Glennon Doyle reading the chapter “Attendants” from her book “Untamed”, in which she writes about how parents are like flight attendants during turbulence; the children look to them to know whether it’s going to be okay. All at once, I was able to recognize two deep truths. 1- This IS a time of turbulence, both for me and Matt and for the girls. It is deeply unsettling to suddenly upend your schedule and stay at home for the foreseeable future. Even if the girls weren’t communicating it verbally, they were probably feeling some of the same anxiety and worry. 2- My job as their parent is to be present with them, as much as I’m able to. As Glennon writes, “to smile at them, stay calm, and keep serving the freaking peanuts”. What they most need during this time is my stable, constant love and presence. Realizing these two truths loosened the tautness inside me and helped reconnect me with myself and with the love that I can offer.

Assorted joys/successes:

- Over the first 3 days the girls and I baked: 1 chocolate cake, 1 vanilla cake, and 78 chocolate chocolate chip cookies, and I made waffles and crepes

- Family walks: Matt and I have wanted to institute these for awhile, but for the past few months, the girls have been deeply resistant. We are finally making it happen, thanks to the carrot/stick of no screentime/ipad unless the walks happen. Being outside in the sunshine is so refreshing, and reminds me that we’re not trapped. Plus, we sometimes see neighbors out walking their dogs and get to chat (from a 6 foot distance).   

- Board games: we’ve played Puerto Rico, Settlers of Catan, and Pictionary so far- games that we all find engaging and fun, but don’t always make time for.

- Virtual writing group: my writing group had our first ever virtual meeting on zoom. It was different, of course, and strangely tiring, but so meaningful and life-giving to connect and write together.

A few challenges/struggles:*

*not pictured, to protect privacy and/or because they are amorphous concepts that defy physical representation

- Tears and fights: especially on Friday and Saturday, there were lots of these. I’m now wondering if they were partly a result of the girls’ unexpressed anxiety/worry.

- My anxiety- it helps to name it, but this is still present for me. I find that I need to use coping strategies pretty regularly: focus on what you can control, limit the amount of time you let yourself worry/check the news, find things to be grateful for.

 - Feeling isolated- I really value hugs and in person contact and conversation, so it’s hard to have less of that. I do have my family, and am so grateful for snuggles with Matt and the girls. And I’m going to try to set up calls with friends.

This was a long first entry- thank you for sticking with it! If you feel comfortable, I would love to hear what your joys and challenges have been, these first few days. What you’re worried about and what you’re grateful for. Or you can just say hi. Know that I’m thankful for you.

The light in me honors the light in you,

Elizabeth